To begin to comprehend the vast, divine nature of God is a life-altering event. When you start to understand who God is, you begin to think differently about yourself, your fears, your dreams, and your marriage. Knowing that God loves you, no matter what you do, allows you to see yourself in a different, more confident light.

The problem is that, while we often desire to know God, our hearts are confused. Here’s why. Life brings pain and trauma (unemployment, being bullied, not having loving parents, infertility, abuse, etc.). We pick up these fears along the way, and they give birth to insecurities. The way we handle these insecurities comes out in many ways, like compensating with a Pinterest-worthy life or numbing out with a variety of agents to help lessen the pain. We are all broken and all have areas of insecurities. That’s okay, because God knows them and can handle it.

It’s a huge deal to confront those insecurities, but if you don’t take them to God and ask Him for your true identity, it can severely damage your connection to your spouse. Understanding your identity builds confidence. Read Ephesians 1. It lists all the rights you have and the inheritance waiting for you to step into as a child of God. The amount of security that comes from this understanding will change the way you interact with your spouse and can even change what you expect from your spouse.

We have to get curious and cry out to God for understanding and wisdom if we want to truly know who He is and who we are. Here are some examples of how this can play out in marriage.

• A confident spouse: does what she believes to be right, even if her spouse criticizes her for it.
• A low-confidence spouse: governs her behavior based on what other people think.
• A confident spouse: is willing to take risks, speak truth, and go the extra mile to achieve better things.
• A low-confidence spouse: stays in his comfort zone, fears failure, and avoids taking risks.
• A confident spouse: admits his mistakes, apologizes, and learns from them.
• A low-confidence spouse: works hard to cover up or even minimizes his mistakes and hopes he can fix the problem before his spouse notices.

The BEST way to gain confidence in Christ is to get curious with God and with yourself. To truly know God and know who you are, you must seek wisdom and start creating the space in your life to do so.

Here are eight questions to ask your spouse and yourself. Really think about your honest responses.

1. What are your top five strengths? (strengths are God given)
2. What are five growth areas in your life?
3. What are your roadblocks, struggles, or things you just can’t get past?
4. Are the words you speak generally more positive or negative?
5. Were you able to share your ideas, feelings, and concerns growing up? If not, how do you think that impacts the way you handle marriage?
6. What is your biggest self-limiting belief?
7. Are you quick to apologize if you’ve made a mistake? Why or why not?
8. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?

Continue to get curious by creating space in your life to know God, and, in turn, you’ll know yourself and your spouse on a deeper level too. And isn’t that what God really wants from us— to spend time in His presence having honest conversations with Him?